The relationship between two people in love is not always straightforward and comfortable, and when it comes to marriage, the stakes are raised. Online divorce service in New York has outlined ten destructive habits that most often lead to the separation of even the most “perfect” couples.
Mistakes of spouses in marriage often have irreparable consequences. Sometimes even the slightest misunderstanding ushers in insults, distrust, and conflict, beginning the path toward divorce.
To avoid typical mistakes and not destroy the fragile balance in the family, you need to know the mistakes that people tend to make and try not to commit them. Advice from psychologists will help you understand yourself, your family atmosphere and prevent the family from falling apart.
Try to figure out where you stand, testing yourself and your significant other on these issues.
So without further ado, let’s break down ten habits that correlate with a high chance of getting divorced.
Too much criticism
Marital relations are based on the ability of two people to negotiate, to adapt to each other, and to support the other through thick and thin. Too many sentences that start with “you shouldn’t…” is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. One must learn how to get away from negativity, from stinging remarks, from the desire to prove oneself right in both trivial and critical matters. Being kind, being able to remain silent or say words of approval in an awkward moment – this is what matters. Too much criticism leads to the destruction of everything right in a relationship.
Dividing life into “yours” and “mine”
When two people start living together, their destinies unite. Sure, each spouse has personal hobbies, friends, work, goals, etc. But in general, the two life paths converge, and in marriage, shared goals and values come out on top. Once spouses start keeping separate budgets, calculating who owes how much to whom, the relationship has a high chance of deteriorating. In marriage, it is impossible to lead a life by addressing only your own needs. Your marriage problems are never “my” or “your” problems. They should always be “ours.” When we begin to divide our duties, goals, dreams, money, time and problems into separate categories instead of owning all of them, this is almost like a dress rehearsal for divorce. Separation entails the sorting of everything; marriage entails the sharing of everything. So, stop dividing and start sharing. Try to listen to what is essential for your significant other, and consider their opinion and interests. This is a major key to healthy relationships.
Putting the marriage on “pause”
Quite often, people put their romantic relationship on hold when children appear. Naturally, all the attention of the husband and wife is focused on the new family member. It is essential, however, not to forget about the relationship between spouses. After all, children grow up, gradually become independent and separate from their parents. Spouses are eventually freed from the need to take care of the child, and realize, sometimes with horror, that nothing binds them together anymore. They can be forced to interact with each other more.
You should not concentrate your whole life on a child, because the best thing that parents can give to their children is an example of a caring and loving family, where mom and dad love and respect each other. Thanks to this healthy marriage model, you will be able to raise children that have the best expectations for marriage.
Listen to feelings only
Being led by your beliefs is not always good, and blind obedience to feelings can destroy even a long-lasting marriage. For example, in times of high stress and conflict, a one-minute attraction to a stranger might trigger one spouse to cheat. Therefore, it is also essential to use your brain, think over everything that will happen next, and act accordingly. If you do not give in to your emotions, this might just save the marriage.
Not making joint decisions
A healthy marriage is primarily a relationship that is based on the joint activities of two loving people. As such, when any serious decision arises on the path of life, it is essential that both spouses participate in making it. One half neglecting the views of the other half will show disrespect and undoubtedly cause offense. Therefore, do not make decisions in the heat of the moment, relying only on your personal experience. You first need to ask what your loved one thinks about it.
Always trying to change each other
One of the most popular mistakes in marriage is the constant desire to change your partner to suit your desires. One must understand, once and for all, that you can only change yourself; a loved one will change only if they want to. Attempts to “bend” a loved one, to force them into doing something uncharacteristic, usually end poorly.
Discussion of a retreat plan
When spouses periodically discuss what they will do if they decide to divorce, this is a strong indication that a divorce is in the cards. Discussion of a possible retreat plan means that the initiator of the conversation possesses some degree of doubt in the marriage; these conversations negatively affect marital life, ruin things from within, and even raise suspicions that aren’t valid.
Envying and recalling insults
In marriage, there is no place for envy. Many couples feel it, though. For example, one spouse begins to move further and further up the career ladder, and the other consciously or unconsciously resents their relative lack of success. The result of this envy, unfortunately, is often emotional distance. Additionally, the envying spouse might re-air past grievances and start petty arguments, as a way of releasing envy that is not obviously “envy.” Learn to be happy for your loved one in moments when they have something going well in life. After all, what’s good for them is also good for you.
Comparison with someone else’s life
Attempting to continually compare your own family life with families from your favorite TV show or novel does not usually end well. Nor should you examine your loved one in comparison with someone else’s spouse, whom your friend so eloquently praises. No matter who says what about his or her partner, all that matters is how you live and build a relationship with your loved one. Listen to your mind and heart, and do not chase a fictional ideal because it simply does not exist. Each person has their advantages but also disadvantages; learn to accept your special someone for who they are.
Of course, to an extent, we’re all selfish at heart, and we try to direct our activities towards improving our own situation. But when two people start living together, they cannot do everything to please themselves. When we love someone, we have to push aside our pride, at times putting the needs and interests of our loved one above our own.
Except for arranged marriages, two spouses enter into marriage voluntarily. They decide to live together. In addition to love, respect must be present in a marriage. Quite often, it turns out that at the moment when love flies away, each person in the couple pulls the proverbial blanket over to their side, and hogs the proverbial bed. It is necessary to learn to act objectively towards your loved one, doing things not simply to please yourself. Otherwise, family life will be destroyed from its very foundation.
It’s not a good idea to solve this problem alone; it should be done as a team. Also, trying to understand each other is much better than trying to fix each other. If the views or beliefs of one spouse are different from yours, this does not mean that he or she is wrong. You don’t always have the same ideas. Marriage is unity, not monotony. Being united in your dedication to each other does not always mean that you share the same view on everything. Your differences make you stronger when you learn from each other and try to see the world from each other’s unique perspective. Do not try to fix or convince your spouse that your method is better. It’s better to try and learn something from them and show respect for them, which they need and deserve.
The family is a home in which everyone should be warm and comfortable. Its foundation is mutual love, respect for one another and peace of mind.
For the marriage not to collapse, we must refrain from insults, humiliating each other, and putting ourselves above our spouse. In a happy and robust union, an atmosphere of trust, kindness, and tolerance should reign.
Only the wisest, patient and most intelligent people can handle all of this. But if two people are ready to work towards a common goal, pretty much anything is possible.