Something Borrowed

If Academy Award winners mirrored The New York Times bestseller list, recent years would have seen the bestowing of miniature gold men onto Confessions of a Shopaholic, Eat Pray Love and He's Just Not That Into You. Chick-lit writer Emily Giffin's Something Borrowed is the latest book from the list to earn the honor of big-screen status, bringing with it a cast of geeks gone bad, unbearable It-girls, two-timing boyfriends and a tiresome story that doesn't bear recounting. Here goes anyway.

It's bookish law girl Rachel's (Ginnifer Goodwin) 30th birthday, and to celebrate, her lifelong friend Darcy (Kate Hudson) throws a surprise party. After much booze-sinking and cringeworthy dancing (enough to send Darcy home early in a taxi), Rachel commits the cardinal sin of sleeping with her best mate's fiancée, Dex (played by Colin Egglesfield, who is identical to Tom Cruise but somehow not Tom Cruise). The thing is, this isn't just a drunken romp - it's the result of six years of pent-up emotion between the two. And now they've got to break the news to Darcy. Or, on second thoughts, maybe they just won't.

If these characters blurted the truth from the outset, we wouldn't have to endure almost two hours of knuckle-chewing prevaricating acts. The upshot is that Rachel and Dex just can't bring themselves to tell Darcy (Hudson puts in a far-too convincing performance as the boorish party girl with no redeeming features whatsoever), and are somehow content with stealing kisses on the sly like errant teenagers, despite being head-over-Jimmy Choos in love.

Rachel and Dex's past is recollected with a patchwork of totally redundant flashbacks, whisking us back six years to law school and a time when he lent her his pens in lecture theater (aww), they had late night giggles in the library (awww), and the two even went out on a nervous date together (awwww). It's this date that Darcy gatecrashes to snatch Rachel's heartthrob from under her nose, stringing him along all the way to the now-impending marriage.

Hudson's none-too-original queen bitch should be Something Borrowed's most abrasive character (indeed her whoop-whoop-in-your-face-attitude and tactless Rachel put-downs are pretty abhorrent), but it's lovebirds Rachel and Dex who end up being the most galling. Rachel's "I'm not good enough for you" complex toward Dex is unconvincing, and though constantly bulldozed by Darcy's every whim (and she has more than enough of them), it's exasperating that Rachel just lies back and takes it. While he's not supposed to be, Dex is actually a bit of a jerk, in no hurry to solve the situation while he's getting the loving of two women. This being a girly story, it's disappointing that the Ralph Lauren-swathed beefcake isn't on the end of a bit more stick.

Saving graces? A game of "truth badminton" that has those with secrets to hide flinging themselves around a beach with the gusto of professionals; an impromptu Salt-n-Pepa dance routine (more of this Hudson-Goodwin chemistry is much needed) and Rachel's painful muscle-pulling incident; in other words, little odds and ends that hardly add up to redemption.

The only real slab of enjoyment comes from sardonic boy-next-door John Krasinski, here playing Rachel's confidante Ethan, and basically reprising his role as Jim from The Office. While this isn't exactly worthy of applause in itself, at least Krasinski's sharp asides and strained joviality allow a waft of fresh air into an otherwise stale lineup of caricatures (Ethan's hatred of most of the others is still probably a way off ours). Still, even the drollery of Krasinski struggles against the might of such a trite script; his relentless being preyed on by egregious love-fiend Claire (Ashley Williams) forces him to feign gayness (ho-ho) while his own harbored secret should probably have been kept that way, considering the yucky cuddling moment it creates.

Some people will love Something Borrowed, but then, some people loved Osama bin Laden. Basically, it's more of the same textbook trash: best friends divided by a man, a moral about revealing your true feelings and affirmation that it's acceptable to be a geek and sexy (but make sure those frames are designer, girlfriend). Giffin wrote a sequel to Something Borrowed titled Something Blue. God willing, that film will never see the green light.

Will Noble can be reached at
wnoble@praguepost.com