No Strings Attached

Ahh, spring has sprung, and the sweet scent of rom-com is in the air. Unfortunately, there's nothing too fresh about Ivan Reitman's No Strings Attached, and its frosty lead female is enough to put you off dating until next winter.

OK, you can almost forgive Natalie Portman for signing up. After the melodramatic whirlwind that was Black Swan, it's no wonder she fancied this palate-cleansing sorbet of a project, if only to get the taste of feathers out of her mouth. Yet it's as if she hasn't fully shaken the melancholy guise of her previous incarnation.

The Oscar-winner plays pretty yet prickly Emma Kurtzman, who, in a series of chance encounters, bumps into dreamboat-next-door Adam (Ashton Kutcher). A handful of these meetings down the line, and now in their mid-20s, Emma is a trainee nurse, Adam is a "struggling" writer, and there's a definite spark between the two.

At last, they end up sleeping together, but Emma just isn't into the concept of coupledom. There and then she lays down the law: She and Adam can carry on like rabbits (and how), but whatever happens, they are not falling in love. Never. Not going to happen. No, siree.

Portman's character very quickly becomes grating. There is no reason for her not to fall in love, yet she still feels compelled to skirt around her feelings and shun Adam like he's nothing more than a gigolo.

If there were something genuinely preventing Emma from dating (a failed previous relationship, or perhaps just an allergic reaction to anyone resembling Kutcher) her standoffishness might be understandable.

Instead, we have to watch dumbfounded as Adam's endless sallies into romantic territory fail for no reason but his bed buddy's stubbornness.

The poor sop tries to woo Emma by making her breakfast (but, Adam, she doesn't do breakfast), taking her out for a proper Valentine's Day (producing a bunch of carrots, when she's specified "no flowers") and even making her a menstruation CD mix (the funniest single minute of the movie).

It's all to no avail though, and an unrequited Adam finally gives up, turning his attentions to babe-behind-bifocals production assistant, Lucy (Lake Bell). Only then does Emma realize what she's missing out on. Hmm, wonder if there's some sort of "I've been a fool" sweeping gesture to guide this thing home?

It's with Kutcher that we sympathize, and despite the talent void between him and Portman, his is by far the more likeable role; that of the perennially good-natured if somewhat dogged Romeo. Even so, let's not get carried away - it's still Ashton Kutcher.  

No Strings Attached wants to show us that being in love ain't always easy. That's fair enough, but actually Emma's obstinacy goes on far too long, so that what we're left with is all the usual mushy traits of the genre, stirred in with one thick dollop of gloom.

A couple of subplots exist to relieve us from the main drama, but with little success. Kevin Kline as Adam's "dad who never grew up" is OK, in a brazen sort of way. His yucky flings with his son's exes are funny enough, but his feckless ways and tactless chatter are rather too reminiscent of Meet the Fockers and American Pie.

Adam's rival threat, in the form of a smug doctor (Ben Lawson) inexplicably fizzles into nothing, while the supporting love strand between Eli (Jake M. Johnson) and Patrice (Greta Gerwig), is superfluous in the extreme - they fall in love, get together and ... well, that's it, actually.

Though it may pretend to be something more, there's no hiding the fact that No Strings Attached is just another sickly cookie-cutter rom-com, albeit with one heck of a depressing female lead.  

If you want to see Portman really deliver misery, just watch Black Swan again, while if you like heaps of casual sex around a half-baked storyline, there are probably better places to find it.

Will Noble can be reached at
wnoble@praguepost.com