Film review: Larry Crowne

"Hold on tight to your dreams," chirps The Electric Light Orchestra as Tom Hanks cavorts around in his job as a superstore assistant, forcing everyone in his wake to beam with happiness. Seconds in and we've already got a reasonable idea of what Larry Crowne is going to be. Even if your name is Gordon Goody-Goody from the Society of Do-Gooders and you've had a particularly good day at work, you're going to find this Hanks-heavy sugarfest all rather too good for its own ... good.

Moments after we've witnessed him at "work," the eponymous lead - a middle-aged, erstwhile Navy cook with a mission to make people feel wonderful - is fired from his position and spat out into the uncaring modern America of joblessness and cynicism. Being the kind of happy-go-lucky Tom Hanksy chap that he is, Crowne is not deterred, and before you can say "Forrest Gump lite," our hero has signed up to college and secured himself a job as a chef. "Good on you, Larry!" we're supposed to cheer at this juncture. "Long live the American Dream and all those who dream it!"

At college, Crowne becomes the center of attention (what slightly overweight guy in his mid-50s doesn't command the love of a bunch of college kids?) and his acquisition of a motor scooter means he's also befriended by twentysomething babe Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), who gives him honorary membership in the scooter gang the "Street Patrol" (think Hell's Angels but with bearded ogres substituted with Glee cast members).

Larry Crowne's major strand (and other major box-office magnet) comes with Mercedes Tainot, Julia Roberts' snarling speech class teacher, who shows up at the college with no desire to teach whatsoever ("Boo!" we're meant to shout here. "The world has no time for bad eggs like you, Miss Tainot!"). But we know it's only a matter of time before cracks appear in her glassy exterior and Tainot realizes she's really had a wonderful life, even as she slumps at the back of the classroom, ironically teaching Crowne and his new buddies how to "care."

We all crave a feel-good fix every now and again, just like we crave the odd Pop Tart. But Larry Crowne is rather like having Hanks spoon-feed you a mountainous hot-fudge sundae and endlessly grinning into your face while chanting the mantra, "Feel good. Feel good." Larry Crowne is feel-good to the point of sinister.

No doubt Hanks feels some kind of ambassadorial role, bridging the gap between generations. Rather than mumble into his lecture notes and perv over the college totty then, Crowne embraces youth culture: gets a sexy makeover, goes all Feng Shui on his apartment. "You're only as old as you feel" and "You're never too old to learn," Larry Crowne harps on with unrelenting patronization.

With such a garish palette of characters to play with (all hot pinks, loud oranges and luminous greens), there is a dearth of tangible drama in Larry Crowne. Mercedes is having trouble with her porn addict of a husband (by far Bryan Cranston's worst turn of 2011), but this strand is too superficial to take seriously. Talia's boyfriend is jealous that Larry seems to have become a permanent attachment, but he's too much of a two-dimensional leather-jacketed tit to give a second thought about. Crowne is … actually, Crowne never ceases to shimmer with positivity for one itsy moment, and you better believe that's not a becoming trait.

Larry Crowne's romantic element is curiously concocted, and the seeds of the Hank-Roberts love affair are so minute, you'll need a microscope to spot them. The real catalyst is supposed to be the night that Tainot has a booze-fueled bust-up with her husband and ends up getting a ride home on the back of Crowne's scooter, but how this leads to their eventual situation is a mystery. Tainot and Crowne are chalk and cheese: They are portrayed too brazenly for it to be credulous they could ever become an item.  

After watching Larry Crowne, you'll feel one of two things. Either the kind of sickly emptiness that you get from scoffing ice cream and candy floss instead of having a proper dinner, or nothing at all, as if the screen you've been watching for the past 100 minutes were nothing but a patch of slow-drying magnolia paint. Never has the word "good" been used so many times in a review of such an awful film.

Will Noble can be reached at
wnoble@praguepost.com