The early development pitch for The Cave would have likely been, "It's Journey to the Center of the Earth meets Alien, with (as a polite nod toward the action's Romanian setting) a dash of Dracula." Who wouldn't give millions to realize this project?

Even with the resulting film's connect-the-dots plotting, cardboard characterizations and cliché-ridden dialogue, The Cave manages to provide the odd jolt of tension. But, as with having successfully navigated oneself through a dangerous intersection, the thrill quickly subsides.

Nestled in a corner of the Carpathian gloom of Romania, a small Orthodox chapel stands sentinel over some underground evil. Unwittingly, these subterranean forces are stirred up in the mid-'70s when a gang of British adventurers, looking for loot, destroy the mosaic floor of the church and find themselves crashing into a dank cavern below. (Naturally, the very idea of Western golddiggers rooting around for treasure in Ceaucescu's Romania unobserved is ludicrous — though sadly, this is not the lone improbable plot point that the viewer is invited to swallow). While trying to sort out their next move, the freebooters hear a spectral cry in the dark. Something seems to be in the cave with them.

Thirty years later, a geological team discovers the presence of the mysterious cave, and calls in a crack American team of divers and climbers to help explore the depths of this abyss. Brothers Jack and Tyler (Cole Hauser and Eddie Cibrian), with the requisite chiseled jaws and gym-tortured frames, fly to the scene with their crew to plunge into the job. They are joined there by a sultry biologist, Kathryn (the usually good Lena Headey), whom the brothers (never the best of friends) find themselves both fancying. Once underground, all hell breaks loose, as our heroes find themselves harried by toothy, ooze-filled creatures that seem to have ignored Alien's registered trademark.

What follows is the usual buffet menu of mishaps, driving soundtrack, displays of testosterone poisoning and gruesome deaths for all the secondary actors. The computer-generated monsters and stunt work are all top of the line for bottom-of-the-barrel Hollywood thrillers. No second is left uninfected with dread, as every device of the genre is unapologetically employed for your enjoyment. Fans will even be able to play "spot the reference," as director Bruce Hunt lifts images from everything between Jaws and the Lara Croft franchise.

The good Carpathian count is also honored, as we discover that the secret behind creating these monsters lies with a simple bite and exchange of blood; something that, were it brought to the surface, could unleash a menace akin to 28 Days Later. In fact, one of our protagonists does become an incubator, though it's difficult to explain how, exactly, as we are never provided evidence that a bite has taken place.